Chapter 1 – Parenting

Being a parent can be a wonderful experience, but at times it can also feel overwhelming, difficult and exhausting. There’s no ‘right’ way to parent and there will be lots of times when you don’t know what to do, or the thing that worked yesterday isn’t working today. That’s completely normal, so don’t be too hard on yourself.

Focus on loving and caring for your child and everything else will come naturally with time and experience. Being a parent is an incredibly important job and it will take time to adjust to your new role, so on tough days remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can.

New parents experience a range of emotions when they have a baby, from excitement and joy to fear and frustration. You may miss aspects of your old life, or feel guilty that you aren’t as happy as you expected. These feelings are normal, especially when you’re tired or hormonal.

Try to talk to friends and family about how you’re feeling and look for small moments of happiness in your day, such as cuddling your child or enjoying a hot shower. If you’re feeling really down or not connected to your baby over a period of weeks, talk to your doctor as this may be a sign that you’re experiencing depression or another mental health condition.

Most parents need support from other people in the early years of their child’s life, especially when they’re newborns. Having a support network of people who care for you and want to help will make a big difference to your day and allow you to spend more time with your baby. If people ask whether they can help, give them a specific task like organising dinner or folding the washing.

They will probably be quite happy to mind the baby while you rest, or simply be there if you need someone to listen. Asking for help doesn’t mean you can’t cope, it just means you’re taking good care of yourself and your child.

There’s a reason airlines tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before helping others. If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t have the energy to take care of others. Spend quality time with your partner and friends, and give yourself a break by doing something you enjoy once the baby is asleep, like watching a show or reading a book.

Congratulate yourself when you achieve something, no matter how small. And accept that every parent makes mistakes and has bad days. Children learn about relationships from the people around them, so be a good role model by taking care of yourself and maintaining healthy relationships with your partner, friends and family.

When you become a parent, you’ll think long and hard about the kind of parent you want to be for your child. You’ll probably think back to your own childhood and what you would have done differently, or look to other parents you know to see how they manage being a parent. Your parenting style will be influenced by your values, so it’s important to think about what they are and how you will instil those in your child.

For example, you may decide that you value hard work and responsibility, kindness and empathy, respecting differences in others, a safe home with no shouting or hitting, or healthy and nutritious meals. By thinking about your values and parenting style, you can give your child positive experiences that will help them thrive in the years ahead.

Maintain a healthy lifestyle

Many people engage in unhealthy behaviours when they are stressed, such as drinking, smoking or overeating. However, these can sometimes make things worse. Try to be a good role model for your family by maintaining healthy behaviours, with lots of sleep, exercise and nutritious food.

Thinking about how you tend to cope with stress may help you avoid reverting back to these behaviours when times are tough.

Try to listen

It can be difficult to listen and understand someone else’s point of view when you’re feeling angry or frustrated, but it’s the best way to dissolve the situation and avoid any misunderstandings. Take deep breaths, listen to the other person carefully and don’t interrupt them when they are speaking.

When they’re ready to listen, communicate your side of the story clearly and honestly, and resist the urge to bring up other issues that are unrelated to the problem at hand.

Work as a team

Even if you can’t fix your problems straight away, try to work together as a family to discuss the problem and come up with a list of possible solutions. This is a good opportunity to teach your child the problem-solving and decision-making skills they’ll need in the future.

Remember to listen calmly and consider everyone’s suggestions, before deciding on a solution that everyone agrees on. This may take time and compromise, but once you decide on a solution, make sure the whole family sticks to it.

Don’t involve your child

It’s important to avoid fighting in front of your child, taking your stress out on them or involving them in your conflict with other members of the family. Your child needs to feel loved and supported, no matter what else is going on.

Reassure them that you are trying to sort the problem out and that it’s not their fault, and listen to them calmly when they express their feelings. If you do lose your temper or say something you regret, apologise to your child and admit you were wrong. This teaches them that it’s OK to make mistakes.

Communicate well

Good communication can often alleviate many sources of conflict in the home and make everyone feel respected and understood. Try to spend time every day listening and talking with your family without distractions, such as at the dinner table.

If there are disagreements, talk about what the problem is, walk the possible solutions may be and how you’ll implement them. This will also model good behaviour for your child and help them learn how to discuss differences and resolve conflict calmly.

Know you’re not alone

When you’re having a rough day, remind yourself that you’re not alone and many parents feel the same way you do from time to time. Parents are only human and don’t always say or do the right thing, especially when they’re busy or stressed.

Try to look after yourself and don’t always put the needs of others before your own. It’s also helpful to have other parents you can talk to and make sure you spend time doing things you enjoy. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to do it alone.

Seek professional advice

If you need to work through particularly difficult issues with your family, it can be helpful to reach out to a professional counsellor or contact a service like Parentline (13 22 89) or the Family Relationship Advice Line (1800 050 321).

It’s important to remember that disagreements are a natural part of healthy relationships, but any kind of violence or abuse – whether it’s psychological, verbal, physical, sexual or financial – is never OK. In these situations, it’s important to seek help straight away.

Maintain a healthy lifestyle

Many people engage in unhealthy behaviours when they are stressed, such as drinking, smoking or overeating. However, these can sometimes make things worse. Try to be a good role model for your family by maintaining healthy behaviours, with lots of sleep, exercise and nutritious food.

Thinking about how you tend to cope with stress may help you avoid reverting back to these behaviours when times are tough.

Try to listen

It can be difficult to listen and understand someone else’s point of view when you’re feeling angry or frustrated, but it’s the best way to dissolve the situation and avoid any misunderstandings. Take deep breaths, listen to the other person carefully and don’t interrupt them when they are speaking.

When they’re ready to listen, communicate your side of the story clearly and honestly, and resist the urge to bring up other issues that are unrelated to the problem at hand.

Work as a team

Even if you can’t fix your problems straight away, try to work together as a family to discuss the problem and come up with a list of possible solutions. This is a good opportunity to teach your child the problem-solving and decision-making skills they’ll need in the future.

Remember to listen calmly and consider everyone’s suggestions, before deciding on a solution that everyone agrees on. This may take time and compromise, but once you decide on a solution, make sure the whole family sticks to it.

Don’t involve your child

It’s important to avoid fighting in front of your child, taking your stress out on them or involving them in your conflict with other members of the family. Your child needs to feel loved and supported, no matter what else is going on.

Reassure them that you are trying to sort the problem out and that it’s not their fault, and listen to them calmly when they express their feelings. If you do lose your temper or say something you regret, apologise to your child and admit you were wrong. This teaches them that it’s OK to make mistakes.

Communicate well

Good communication can often alleviate many sources of conflict in the home and make everyone feel respected and understood. Try to spend time every day listening and talking with your family without distractions, such as at the dinner table.

If there are disagreements, talk about what the problem is, walk the possible solutions may be and how you’ll implement them. This will also model good behaviour for your child and help them learn how to discuss differences and resolve conflict calmly.

Know you’re not alone

When you’re having a rough day, remind yourself that you’re not alone and many parents feel the same way you do from time to time. Parents are only human and don’t always say or do the right thing, especially when they’re busy or stressed.

Try to look after yourself and don’t always put the needs of others before your own. It’s also helpful to have other parents you can talk to and make sure you spend time doing things you enjoy. You don’t have to be perfect and you don’t have to do it alone.

Seek professional advice

If you need to work through particularly difficult issues with your family, it can be helpful to reach out to a professional counsellor or contact a service like Parentline (13 22 89) or the Family Relationship Advice Line (1800 050 321).

It’s important to remember that disagreements are a natural part of healthy relationships, but any kind of violence or abuse – whether it’s psychological, verbal, physical, sexual or financial – is never OK. In these situations, it’s important to seek help straight away.